*Warning: This is a rant. This is me spitting out my feelings. I'll feel better afterwards. I may even deny writing this post in the future, but for now... well, here it goes.
This being my second time living in Utah, I was hoping for a change from the last time. Here's two sad stories to illustrate the "Utah-syndrome" I first experienced back in 2005-2009.
1. Left at the altar. Well, actually, left at the reception is more accurate. My bridesmaids, my closest girlfriends, a.k.a. my roommates, decided to no-show at my wedding reception. Not only did they leave me bridesmaid-less, but one of them was in charge of all the flowers for the reception. This meant that after finally getting ahold of them an hour before the reception was supposed to start and finding out that they weren't coming, I, the bride, had to run to Costco and purchase random flowers, barely making it back in time to arrange the flowers and throw on my dress. My hair and makeup weren't even done, I had an everyday hair-do and NO MAKE UP on for my own wedding reception. Seriously, weddings are so commonplace here in Utah it's almost sad.
2. Throwing my own baby shower. Yup, you read right. For my first child, I had to throw my own shower, paying for everyone else to eat and chat and run. We were on Medicaid for goodness sake. I patiently waited until I was just weeks away from delivering for someone to offer to throw something, even if it were a sprinkle instead of a shower, I would have be so happy. Honestly, I threw it because I NEEDED the gifts. We couldn't afford everything on our baby list.
This time around, Utah Round #2, it hasn't changed much. Unless you have cancer, the ward, your neighbors, even your "friends" don't know your struggles. And your achievements, like having a baby, are commonplace. It's like it's engrained in the Utah culture to keep your problems to yourself and your immediate family. No showers, parties or even a frozen yogurt run were offered to me in celebration of my upcoming baby. I know, it's baby #3, and I don't need any gifts this time around, but aren't your "friends" and ward family supposed to want to celebrate with you? As members of the church aren't we supposed to be a shoulder to cry on, not just a name on a list to deliver a meal?
I miss living in LA where I have FAMILY. Of course I don't have biological family in LA, but I was surrounded by people who LOVED me. They spent time with me, performed services for me, and laughed and cried with me... never once putting their name on a sign-up list to do it. On the other hand, I was privileged to do the same thing for them... I cannot tell you how fulfilling it was to perform Christ-like service.
I know, I know, I was spoiled in LA... and I just need to suck it up here in Utah. Some of you may say "it's what you make of it" but honestly there's a tangible, real ugly difference here in Utah and it's going to be a challenge to break down that wall. Doesn't mean I won't continually try...
I <3 you so much and have been thinking of you often. I wish you were back here because *I* am super excited that you are having another adorable baby!
ReplyDeleteLove you Tara! I'm happy you are determined to change the culture around you. It's like the person who sits by themselves in Relief Society every week(its not right) but for heavens sakes SIT BY SOMEBODY! Love your rants, sorry you are feeling neglected. :( You are an amazing wonderful fabulous person and I am so blessed to call you my friend!
ReplyDeleteI miss you Tara! I wish I were there to take you out.
ReplyDeleteSeriously?! That is down right terrible! None of my 'friends' showed up to my wedding reception either, and it was in salt lake where all of them lived. Utah is brutal. I didn't enjoy living there one bit. I loved the mountains and the weather, and seeing all the pretty temples, but the people are stuck up and rude, and judge you about absolutely everything. I was lucky in Logan to have a really nice ward our first year of marriage... but it wasn't hard to pack up and move to another country after living in utah. I feel for you. I'm glad you posted this, and I feel so sad for you. I have seen people do virtual showers, but i have no idea how they do them. I hope things get better for you!
ReplyDeleteThoughts and prayers for you coming from canada!
Amen.
ReplyDeleteTara, I totally agree that this is the Utah experience. When Jon and I got married and into our first married ward, we felt like no one was welcoming. We tried to be likeable and make friends, but it seemed like everyone was more interested in spending time with their immediate family and the people they went to high school with. Having no family in Utah, we decided to host a dinner at our house once a week with a different couple each week that we learned had no family in the area either. Our little group has become pretty tight knit now and we try to incorporate any and all new families, but seriously I was miserable until we took matters into our own hands and stopped trying to be friends with the Utahites.
ReplyDeleteSorry you've been feeling sad! Having lived in Utah for far longer than I ever anticipated :), I've had some of the same feelings so hopefully I can add a comment that will help! First, I've realized I need to be careful about assigning negative motives to people's behavior. When I first got married, I felt the same as your friend Rachael - that everyone was super unfriendly and caught up in themselves. Shortly after, I was made RSP (to teach me a lesson :)) and I realized that I was wrong. Most members of our ward were newlyweds and had their hands full adjusting to married life and juggling school and work. It was a huge social change and some people are better at dealing with it then others. Also, I saw how much the members of our ward did to serve others. Sure, they weren't serving me, but I was amazed at the little acts of kindness that were occuring, that I only knew about because of my calling. Sometimes we get so caught up in the "people should be reaching out to me" mentality that we miss how amazing they really are and all that they are doing to serve. And, we have no idea what they are dealing with at home so can't judge them from where we stand.
ReplyDeleteThen, after Maddie was born and I was suddenly home all day I started feeling super lonely and a little bitter that people weren't flocking over to hang out with me haha. I was sitting on my couch, moping about it when I realized how stupid I was being! I was putting my social life and happiness in the hands of people who didn't even know I needed a social life haha! So, I began calling other new moms in the ward and organizing hang outs. And, I started a lunch group that met every couple of weeks - I just sent an email out to the RS asking who was interested. I think if we get over the idea that we should be served by others, and if we're patient with their imperfections, then there's a lot more satisfaction and joy to be had.
It sounds like you were blessed with a wonderful group of friends in California and that it was easy to click and connect with them. And, that it will take more work here to have the same connection, I think that's just the way it goes sometimes- different groups of people have different dynamics and you have to adjust and work out what you can do to have your needs met. I think one of your talents is being really friendly and approachable, and that you can utilize that talent to bring yourself more happiness and to create good, lasting friendships. I get pretty depressed if I don't have social time, so I know how important it is and I think you are awesome for being open about how you are feeling. I hope that you're able to bring about change, I know it's hard to be the one to make the first move but it's worth it in the end. If only you lived in Provo or I lived in Herriman...I would totally come and sit on your couch all day and moan about being pregnant still haha. As it is, I can barely do more than sit on my own couch all day and moan aboutbeing pregnant :). Once our babies are here we should get together...at that point I'll be moaning about breastfeeding and sleepless nights though...so maybe spending time with me isn't that great of an offer :)
I'm sorry Tara. That is so lame. If I lived in Utah I would throw a shower for you, even on #3!
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