Everyone has their hurdles, please don't judge mine. Just be impressed that I'm brave enough to post this.
Jon took me to a flea market today. He had found it on the internet. From the moment we drove past I was a little weary. When we got on the bus from where we parked, my suspicions where confirmed, we were going to be the only white people there. Upon walking into the market I began to feel so uncomfortable and nervous that I couldn't look up from pushing the stroller. Jon sensed my angst and insisted we leave. He was embarrassed by my immature behavior. Am I racist? I don't know, maybe. But I just felt so out of place that my heart would not stop beating in my chest and my palms were sweaty. I just did not want to be there.
So there, I said it. I have a problem being the only person like me in a crowd of people.
I've dug my own grave here. I mean, I've surrounded myself with people just like me my whole entire life. It's a vice of being Mormon. As open and missionary-like as we try to be, we still are very exclusive in our friendships. "It's just something I've got to get over," I told Jon. Here's to branching out and breaking down walls.
I don't know about being a racist. I mean, we all have our own issues that are based around race - people of different races included. And I'm not so sure it's all about being Mormon. True, as Mormons, our social structure tends to be with other Mormons. But let's take a look at where we grew up. I remember when I was in Elementary School Grandpa said, "BSU must be starting up again soon." When I asked what made him say that so out of the blue he said, "I just saw a young black man, that's not something we see a lot of here unless they are athletes at BSU." And a few years ago when Debbie and the boys came to visit we got take out from an Indian place and one of the boys said, "We were the only white people in there." I think that may have been the very first time they had been somewhere and been the only white people. Unless you make a very concerted effort to seek out those different than you, Idaho isn't the best place to experience diversity.
ReplyDeleteI know I have issues of feeling uncomfortable when I go unfamiliar places. I get nervous attending a party and being the only Mormon there. Once, at a social gathering, someone mentioned to another person attending that I don't drink and that I'm Mormon. Well that guy decided that he needed to save me from myself and insisted that he wanted to buy me a drink, that there was nothing wrong with drinking and he totally came across as if he were trying to save me from myself and what he felt to be my "overly strict" religion. And that if he just offered me a drink, I would drink and be saved. It's hilarious to think about and makes a very good story to tell other Mormons. (What did he expect me to say: "You're right! In all of my 38 years, no one has ever actually OFFERED me a drink and that is what has kept me from drinking." It has nothing to do with the fact that people make stupid choices when they drink, that people that drink in excess end up embarrassing themselves and, all too often, get in a car and put themselves and everyone on the road at risk. Not to mention, that through this simple act of obedience to a law given from God, I am blessed by following it.)
But I digress...
Because I have seen this same issue in myself, I try to make myself uncomfortable occasionally - by visiting places I wouldn't normally find myself. Going to the fabric store in downtown LA was an example of this. I was totally nervous. The homeless people freaked me out a bit. The way people interacted with each other on the street made me uncomfortable. And if I go to that area again, I'll probably be uncomfortable still, but maybe the 3rd or 4th time I won't. One of the reasons I took the job with Matt is because it takes me very much out of my comfort zone.
So I'm with you on the branching out and breaking down walls. And to feeling a bit uncomfortable every once in a while.
I agree with what Aunt Ranee said. Your discomfort is not that you are racist. Main stream society may want to call you that or make you believe that. I think your discomfort is from your lack of exposure to different environments.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, the various surroundings I've lived in has helped me to overcome my fears of the unfamiliar. For example, living in Germany was a HUGE step for me. I was in the same circumstances you are in now, being a young mother, away from my family, and on top of that, I wasn't able to speak a foreign language. But I made it through, with the Lord's help. I had an amazing LDS "branch family" to turn to for guidance. They were there before I was. They exposed themselves to all-things-uncomfortable before I did. So, I relied on there wisdom and their courage. I soon found myself enjoying the cities and towns I lived in. I became less embarrassed that I didn't speak German. Most Germans knew English and those that didn't were very patient with the little German I eventually learned. And of course what helped tremendously was the sweet little 3 month to 3 year old adorable little girl I had by my side that strangers and friends alike thought was sooooo adorable.
This post made me giggle (not in a making fun way), it's just impossible to have experienced EVERY social or cultural setting. Sometimes just being out of our comfort zones can feel very intimidating and as long as you are not thinking, "I think these people are all stupid or I hate them cause of their color", you don't need to worry. If you went to the flea market every weekend it wouldn't bother you a bit. The first time I ever visited Brannon's work, I counted 3 other white people- haven't counted since then. ;)
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